Originally from Malaysia, Ivan Yeo is a gay Chinese man now living in New Zealand.
Ivan Yeo learnt soon after his arrival in New Zealand that he was not going to be a hot item in the gay world. A friend told him.
“He told me there was a hierarchy of being gay, what colour plays on the top and which one is the lower. Unless you’re white, young, blonde, then you’ll be the top line of meat,” he laughs. “Being Asian is down in the food chain, and he said I’d most likely end up with an older white male.”
In his late twenties, Ivan escaped his oppressive and homophobic home country of Malaysia to come to New Zealand. Being able to express himself as a gay man without having to lie to his parents or friends about what he got up to at the weekend was like living in a “wonderland”, but he hadn’t counted on the responses that’d face him whenever he logged into dating websites.
You’ll still see it now if you venture into smartphone hookup apps, often in capital letters on the more obnoxious profiles: NO ASIANS. It left a sour taste.
“I have to say, growing up, being someone who never felt like they were good enough…and then to go to another world and having all these negative messages just reinforced that,” Ivan says. “I’m not good enough because I’m gay, I’m not good enough because I’m Asian, I’m not good enough anywhere I turn to.”
When Ivan was growing up, sexuality was not discussed at all. The idea of living your life with another man was a complete fantasy. Society expected you to grow up, marry and have children to continue your family tree. Ivan realised when he was a teenager that he was gay, and the thought of not being able to fit the mould made him deeply depressed.
“I remember when I was younger, like twelve or thirteen, questioning my mum and saying, ‘why did you give birth to me?’ I hated myself, I hated the world. I didn’t know how I could live as myself, so why would they want to bring me into a society knowing that I could never fulfil the obligations society has set me up to do?”
Coming to New Zealand was a revelation for him. His first friends were a gay couple who showed him that two men could actually live together and be happy. It was a dream he’d pretty much given up on by the time he had a chance encounter at a bus stop one afternoon.
Then at university, Ivan’s classes had finished for the day. His mind raced with thoughts of assignments, and he was preoccupied. He’d not done well at school growing up, and had always felt “stupid” in class.
A handsome man asked him where the next bus was going. Ivan answered the question and thought nothing of it.
“Honestly, I had no clue. First, that he was gay, secondly that he actually thought I was cute. I didn’t associate cuteness with myself, I didn’t think people actually found me attractive,” he laughs.
The bus arrived, and the mystery man motioned for Ivan to sit next to him. He didn’t find out till later that Gerry (for that was his name) was actually just looking for any excuse to talk to him.
They married in a civil union ceremony two years ago. It proved to be a pivotal point in Ivan’s life, not only in terms of feeling a safety, security and love that he’d never experienced before, but in opening a new chapter with his family.
Ivan had come out to his family after moving to New Zealand, and initially things had not gone well. By the time he married Gerry and they made their first trip back to Malaysia together, things were very different.
“It changed the whole dynamic,” Ivan says. “The concept of having someone to look after your son or daughter is so important in Chinese culture. They were happy for me and Gerry because they felt we had somewhere we could both call home.”
It’s evident from the beaming holiday photos of Ivan and Gerry together with parents, cousins, nephews and nieces that they are very much part of the family.
In Chinese culture, things are seen as collective rather than individual. This can have its negative aspects with regards to prejudice around homosexuality and mental illness: one person’s “affliction” can bring shame on the whole family.
But Ivan has managed to turn that collective worldview into a positive as part of life in New Zealand. It is what keeps him well.
“I will do things for other people, because my father taught me this,” he says. “You live for other people, and other people will live for you. Anyone who’s my friend, I will try my best as a friend to take care of them, and I’m still doing it.”
Ivan’s full story can be found in the feature-length documentary Men Like Us, now available on DVD on digital download.
Dear all
It doesn’t matter if one is not attractive to the majority. What matters that one is attractive (on many levels) to the one that loves him unconditionally. I strongly believe that, despite one’s colour, religion, there is always someone out there made for him, and vice versa.
If one purports to be attractive in the eyes of many (thus rising to the top of the ‘food chain’), his underlying motives tend to be pure exhibitionism and vanity.
Peace
Ed
This is my blog if anyone is interested
http://maskfighter23.blogspot.co.nz/
(I have stopped translating into English so pls use the Google translate gadget)
I also struggle with this subject. For me ‘beefy’ and ‘hairy’ get me going. In general, men from Southeast Asia don’t tend to fit into either of these categories and so there is noattraction for me. Does that make me racist ? I have thought long and hard about it, and I sincerely believe that it doesn’t. (Anymore than not being attracted to women makes me sexist). However, while sexually, I do not find myself attracted towards men of Southeast or East Asian ethnicity I still shudder at the prevalence of ‘No Asians’ comments. (Incidentally, I am not attracted to lean, hairless guys of my own ethnicity either). Having said that I guess there is an element of hypocrisy in what I say, while I cringe at ‘No Asians’ comments I do say on my profile “Young ? Lean? Smooth? Sorry, you are not my cup of tea and I am probably not yours either” I suppose I could quite justifiably be accused of saying ‘No Asians’ just in a roundabout way. It is a very sensitive subject. Obvioulsy I don’t tick everyone else’s boxes either ( who does? ) but does that mean that I am being discriminated against because some people are not attracted to my ‘type’? I don’t think so. We can’t help who we do or do not find attractive, however, we can try to be as gracious as possible with other people’s feelings.
Guess this is what I was trying to say, said another way, Andrew! It’s sort of like we live in a world of political correctness gone haywire… Offensive behaviour is offensive behaviour, regardless of whether it’s an insult to someone’s race, age, colouring or body shape.. and for some reason, I find that we ‘gays’ aren’t that great at the whole unconditional positive regard thing… a strong part-culture that appears to glorify beauty, money and physique (in no particular order) above all else…
Hi, there used to be a site sexualracismsux that addresses this. I thinks saying what you like is ok. It might effectively exclude some but that’s life. But it’s terms like “No ……..” That is offensive. I once had an argument with a friend about why it was offensive. I eventually said what if you were in USA and placed an advert saying no black or Jews? It got the point across .
“Being Asian is down in the food chain, and he said I’d most likely end up with an older white male.” What is wrong with “ending up” with an older gay male? Sorry to say, this comment implies an age-ism that is as bad as the prejudice against asian men bemoaned in the article, either on the part of the interviewee or interviewer or both. In my experience, very many asian gay men actively seek out older white males and do as a first rather than a last choice. In fact, that is rather well-known. They do so for completely valid reasons, and because there is a different and better cultural attitude towards age. The same is often true of those from other countries with a non-European or American-oriented culture.
Hi Duncan, Ivan was relating a comment that was made to him – incidentally by an older white male.
It just sounds like the same kind of off-the-cuff bit of prejudice that one tends to hear amongst gay men in the same breath as “I don’t like asians”. Possibly the wording of the article could make a little clearer then, that these were not the words or attitude of the interviewee.
It seemed pretty clear to me that these were not the words of the interviewee. It says :
‘A friend told him.
“He told me there was a hierarchy of being gay, what colour plays on the top and which one is the lower. Unless you’re white, young, blonde, then you’ll be the top line of meat,” he laughs. “Being Asian is down in the food chain, and he said I’d most likely end up with an older white male.” ‘
I am curious how you would reword it if you found the above to be ambiguous.?
Dear Andrew, on the contrary the words you have quoted are the exact words of Ivan the interviewee, as quoted by the article’s author, Christopher. They are Ivan’s reported-speech of the unknown friend. Reported-speech is not the same as a direct quote, and can be coloured, maybe unconsciously, by the person doing the reporting. Maybe the slightly offensive, ageist bit about “ending up” with an older gay male was not the way the older friend put it, but a gloss that was put on his comments later in recounting the conversation. That actually sounds not unlikely to me, as it sounds like something a younger gay man would say, rather than an older.
To answer your question, though, if I had wanted to make it clear that these were definitly the words of the apparently self-deprecating older friend and not of Ivan, I would have used quotes, possibly as in “‘he said I’d most likely “end-up” with an older gay male’”.
However, my initial point was not to criticise the way the article is written or necessarily the interviewee either, whose side I am most definitely on, as regards the complaint about ignorance and prejudice regarding race. My point was that an article about one kind of prejudice actually contains subtle evidence of another kind of prejudice, ageism, which is apparently even more deeply engrained in gay-culture than racism, to the extent that it slips by un-noticed, something I find quite ironic.
Hi Duncan, I suggest you check out the documentary from which this article derives, Men Like Us. It explores gay life in New Zealand from across the age spectrum, the oldest participant being 78. We discuss gay men and aging at length. My previous film, The Colonel’s Outing, was about two WWII veterans who find love in a rest home. You can find info about how that film came to be here: http://bipolarbear.com.au/2011/07/16/gen-silent/
I’m no stranger to the issue of ageism, and the point you make did not slip by me unnoticed: I simply made no moral judgment about the statement.
And it was back in probably the early ’80s when I found out that I’m gay, and it really had a huge impact on how I viewed myself growing up in a Muslim country, and also a very traditional Chinese family.
Ivan, thanks for sharing your positivity that shines through & Gerry is one lucky man! Kia kaha, Corrinne
Once again, you post on a very interesting and complex issue, Chris. And one that I personally have struggled with from time to time. In terms of physical sexual attraction, I just don’t typically find myself attracted to the men from some Asian countries. Just like I don’t find blue-eyed blondes attractive, or the Rastafarian look with dreads and beads. Doesn’t mean that I place any value judgement on these folk as people – I have friends who come from all over the world and have many different lifestyles – I don’t treat anyone as any better or lesser beings because of their race or beliefs or clothes. I also would never put something like “NO ASIANS” (in any form) on a profile, just as I would never put “NO BLONDES” “NO RASTAS”. But in a world where immediate gratification of our sexual needs is increasingly common and available, is it wrong to have and to state that you have a preference? I believe it boils down to how you treat people. Rejection hurts and yet it’s something that we ALL have in common. We’ve all been told “thanks, but no thanks” at some stage in our lives. And some people have a way of doing that which leaves us feeling deeply unattractive (repulsive) and some people can do it kindly and with warmth. I’ve experienced both. And I choose to respond warmly to most people regardless of a) my interest in them or b) their origins, appearance or beliefs. I’m not perfect and sometimes I forget to reply to some people. And then there are some people (of all cultures) that take this warmth as an invitation to be more pushy and insistant (which is very annoying). But for me this is what it’s about. Treating ALL people with decency and respect. And the arsewipes that put “NO ASIANS” are just as obnoxious as the people that put “NO FATS, NO FEMMES “NO OLDIES”. The word Nazis tends to hover in the back of my mind for some reason…