UPDATE 17/10/12: This is not a hoax. I’ve confirmed it with the Northern Outlook’s editor, and Jasmin’s mother has also spoken out. Read more here.
Don’t be fooled. Inside that tiny head is a brain built for conquest.
No, I haven’t gone off my meds.
The title of today’s post refers to the astonishing letter to the editor reproduced below, which I promise you is genuine (published in the October 3 edition of the Northern Outlook in Canterbury, New Zealand). I strongly encourage you to read before we continue today. Go on. I’ll wait.
I thought my religious education was shitty, but clearly there are options with worse outcomes: “homeschooling” is a term with all the intellectual rigour of “feng shui”. Both involve moving shit around a room without any effect whatsoever, only one involves furniture and the other children.
Jasmine has clearly done more than move around, as it appears she has also learned to write – presumably on a computer, pioneered by a homosexual (Alan Turing) and created with the aid of science-y stuff like evolution that she doesn’t believe in.
Now I know you’re going to tell me to ease up on her because she’s just a child, but I’m not going to afford her that luxury.
Newspapers have an irritating habit of printing the age of minors next to letters if they get published, presumably so we’ll marvel at their adult-like insight.
If anything, this letter is proof that precociousness is not something to be universally encouraged. This letter sets the gold standard for why children should be seen and not heard, and preferably not seen.
What kind of a parent lets their child send a letter like this to the paper?
If this were my child, I’d sit her down and ask her to think twice about it. Here’s how the conversation might go:
“Jasmine, darling, I think it’s wonderful that you’ve written a letter, but are you absolutely sure you want to have it published?”
“Yeah, Dad. I’m really worried about the evolutionary advantage that ducks will get over humans because of all the homosexuals.”
“How did you manage to connect those two things?”
“Well, it’s like I said, if we let homosexuals get married, they can’t have children, so there’ll be no more children. Then the ducks will have a clear shot.”
“At what, exactly?”
“Everything. They’ll take all our jobs, just like the boat people.”
“Okay.”
“What? Don’t you agree?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“That would take more heartbeats than I have left to explain. Jasmine, I forbid you to send this letter.”
“But it’s my opinion! Everyone has a right to their own opinion.”
“They do, but they don’t have a right to their own facts, and if this gets printed you’ll look like a tit.”
This conversation did not happen in Jasmine’s household, most likely because the parents not only believe it to be true, but because they see it as a remarkable advertisement for their teaching skills.
It’s inexplicable, like one of those people who gets up to sing on X Factor and has genuinely no idea that they sound like a cat being flung down a fire escape in a polythene bag.
At least Dr Frankenstein gave the world hope of re-animated flesh. These parents have given the world a mind that understands evolution as a mechanism that puts the entire human race at risk of a duck revolt if heterosexuals stop fucking for five seconds.
There is no greater threat to humanity than stupidity. There is enough paucity of critical thinking among adults, let alone harbouring it in the generation to follow.
Pingback: End of chapter 2 « Bipolar Bear
Pingback: SOTW Roundup: 10/14/12 – 10/20/12 | Soundtrack Of The Week
Pingback: The duck girl is real « Bipolar Bear
She should blame heterosexual parents !!!! As they have produced a little human that turned out to be gay !
@JJ Dynomite – I have never ever heard such a nonsense in my life !
Pingback: Duck, Duck, Gay? Homeschooled Teen Girl Wisely Teaches World That Evolution Turns Gay People Into Ducks | Democralypse Now - The Comically Screwed State Of Politics, In Small, Easy-To-Swallow Bites
Pingback: Skepticlawyer » Straight ducks, gay Romans, Kiwis, homeschooling, and the lesser Poe
Pingback: Skepticlawyer » Straight ducks, gay Romans, Kiwis, homeschooling and the lesser Poe
Pingback: Homosexuality will lead to race of super-ducks, claims homeschooler in local newspaper [Holy Crap Wtf]
Jasmin, sweetie – unless you’re planning to serve up your children with orange sauce, after turning their livers into a taste pate, I think they’re fine. Really. Promise.
Pingback: Wise Teen Girl Proves Benefits Of Home-Schooling: Being Gay Turns You Into A Duck | PolitifreakPolitifreak
Hey, of course she understands science! She reads Mike Adams’ website daily, and her dad has a PhD from Sequoia University.
She does believe in evolution. She just has a detail or two wrong. In any case, she need not worry. There are gay ducks. I suppose that means ducks will not take over the world.
Poe’s Law rears its ugly head yet again.
Is the letter real? Is was published in that newspaper. Are all letters real that are published in newspapers? Probably not. Does the fact that the letter is so amazingly ignorant discount it as a fake? No. This article was forwarded to me by a friend who was involved in government during a time when gay marriage was being discussed in Canada. This letter reminded them of some of the amazingly ignorant letters they received against gay marriage….from adults. I think we all have heard the many arguments against gay marriage, one of them being the dying out of the human race, used by adults, know that this kind of letter is indeed possible. Been following U.S. politics lately? If a grown man with political power can believe that women being raped have a special secretion to prevent pregnancy, then yes, a 14 year old child could think ducks could take over the world.
I’m so embarrassed that I ended up here and read this. Please, PLEASE tell me the author is not so profoundly stupid as to fail to realize that this is complete satire, please tell me I’ve been trolled by all of these “commenters” who can’t figure it out either. For goodness sake… what is causing this? Must be something in the water. Talk about Flowers for Algernon.
Ive taught kids for alot of years and at one point professionally graded standardized writing samples. My opinion is that this is real and not trolling. Yes, there are children this stupid, opinionated and homeschooling has an increased potential of creating them, due to the circumstances surrounding that form of education.
I invite you to offer some proof or evidence that this letter was not true gelt, or that the editors of the paper that originally published the letter was not similarly convinced of its authenticity. Its all fine and well to have an opinion, but be prepared to back it up.
Have a great day!
Depressing. I can absolutely, 100% guarantee you that this is an attempt at satire, and I’m still just shaking my head that anyone with experience in this subject and the media can’t see that. I just realized that this is a New Zealand blog and I’m trying to reconcile this all by telling myself that you are such good, kind, innocent people that you simply have no mechanism for detecting this kind of stuff, as there is no need for it in that island utopia.
If you think that this 14-year old girl truly believes that “we are in danger of being equal,” with “ducks more equal than us,” and cannot see the heavy-handed satire in that, I recommend a one-week diet of pure Onion. Seriously.
Regrettably, I have personally known people with equally idiotic views. While this may be satire, I see no reason to assume it is.
I’m with you there! So many people are taking the letter far too seriously. Kids are smart, and this girl sounds quite bright. Looks exactly like satire to me; I see no reason to assume it is serious. Perhaps that’s because I was homeschooled for most of my school years, and therefore realise that we aren’t all nerdy, mindless retards.
And yet you don’t know that “a lot” is two words.
So Denzio, I take it you don’t actually follow the creationism vs. science debate? Yes, the author of the letter is clearly trying to take a humorous approach with the duck thing, but there is nothing in this letter that is even slightly surprising vis a vis its cluelessness about evolution or homosexuality. You need to get out more. Watch some videos of school board meetings in the Bible Belt. You may be surprised at the things people seriously believe.
Thank you for this. I know it’s not nice to laugh at stupidity but your take on the matter was one of the funniest pieces I’ve read in a long time. I read the whole bit out to my partner.
…and neither of you realized it was satire?
Have you considered exercises to, you know, improve your intellect a bit?
Denizo, you don’t live in New Zealand (as far as I’m aware) and know nothing about the community in question where this letter originated. Sometimes I think it is difficult for those who have no religious belief to understand that there are actually people out there who have incredibly strongly-held, irrational beliefs. (Note the “homosexuality is caused by child molestation” comments that have appeared on this very thread)
Regardless, my response was written in humour, not in anger. Again, if you were a regular reader you’d understand that.
You got trolled.
I wonder if you know it and just published this to get views?
This letter is an obvious joke to any intelligent person.
Seriously, this kind of ruined my day. I’m still holding out hope that the blog author’s reaction is a bit of double satire, because if not, I lost a bit of hope in the future of humanity. I think something evil emanating from the internet is actually turning people way, way stupid.
You know what ruins my day? People who can’t be light hearted about anything. The letter is funny as satire, hysterically funny if read as being serious, and the blogger’s definition of homeschooling is priceless.
Seriously Denizo, lighten up.
I think you made a typo and wrote “hysterically funny” instead of “awkwardly unhilarious,” no biggie tho.
I made sure that it was really published, funny or not, and it’s in the Oct 3rd edition of Northern Outlook in New Zealand. Living in Ohio comvinced me that it was real…sad that some are hateful and ignorant and then pass it down to their chiildren.
I did give that information right at the start of the post. I wouldn’t have blogged it otherwise. Has the newspaper been hoaxed though? Watch this space, I intend to find out if Jasmine is real,
Pingback: Links to the Odd, October 2012 – smiling pockets
I bet a roasted duck tastes better than a roasted homosexual.
Every homosexual I know now or have know in the past, living in Philadelphia and Rehoboth, have had some sort of child molestation. Not saying all but I would say roughly 90%. My personal theory is we are reaping what we have sown. For some reason we can’t stop molesting our children so now we are living with the consequences of that decision. So I am always on the fence as if it is a choice or not. Children are impressionable in addition to being a sponge and soaking up what they know. They were born that way that is why parents have a huge impact on their development. So I believe at some point these acts instill their sexual preference of the same sex after the abuse. So really we can’t abandon them as they are a direct result of our devious behavior. I feel sad all around. Don’t think though in my circle of friends I have ever had them say to me they always knew since a young age. Usually surfaced in their later teen years. This is my personal assessment and as others am not stating this a scientific or religious fact, just my personal observation. Hetero or homo I have known a-holes and great people alike!
I am Gay. I am also a retired US Navy Sailor (1974-1995), a Teamster, a college graduate, and married for 1 year (we’ve been together 17). I have known I was Gay since I was about 5 and realized that I really, really liked the lead actor on “Sky King.” I have never been molested, but then I have also never been to Philadelphia or Rehoboth (the latter sounding much like a suburb of Sodom or Gomorrah), and evidently avoiding those places will keep children safe from kiddy-diddlers. A seasoned premise often trotted-out on crime shows is that the suspect is usually the one that can be connected to all the crimes, to wit:”Every homosexual I know now, …., has had some sort of child molestation.” It stands to reason that if you know them all, then you are the perpetrator. Further, the admission, “they are a direct result of our devious behavior”. Officer, arrest JJ Dynamite! J’accuse! Now, I must contact my attorney to begin proceedings against the cast & crew of “Sky King” for turning me Gay. My husband and I could use the money to adopt an Himalayan whistle-kid. Or a black Lab.
Someone else that has read Emile Zola! That is why I like hanging out with gay peeps (despite being incorrigibly heterosexual myself) is because they dont think that culture is something you find in yoghurt!
Have a great day!
I’m not gay but I thank you for calling attention to the obviously intentional sexual undertones of Sky King. Penny gave me my first erection.
I was never involved in any type of abuse and I’m gay.
When considering whether or not homosexuality was a choice, please keep in mind I would have gladly chosen to be straight when I was younger to avoid being beat up by my peers and disowned by people who I loved.
Honestly, we need less people breeding. Overpopulation is the cause of most issues in the word.
Besides, ducks aren’t next in line, I believe it is the dolphins up to bat next.
Really? Come on now. I can think of 4 of my close childhood friends who were molested. Guess what… all 4 are heterosexual. Guess the sexuality of the men who molested them… nope, they were all hetrosexual married men who beat their wives and molested children.
Your comment is one of the most ignorant I have had the misfortune to read about homosexuality. I have known a great many homosexuals and strippers (having managed a strip bar for a period of time in the 80′s) and I would say that your statement is true of strippers and not homosexuals.
I have known homosexuals that were molested, but the number is no greater than that of heterosexuals that have been molested. The reason why I find your statement so ignorant and repulsive is that the implication is that homosexuality is a pathological state brought about by the trauma of abuse, which is not only untrue, but unfair and just plain stupid to boot.
Have a great day!
You are either a liar, a moron or – most likely – both. I have know may gay men & lesbians and not a one of them was molested as a child. One of them did have an overbearing mother (another old tymie excuse for homosexuality) but it did not cause his orientation either.
You can dress up your bigotry & fear any way you want but its false and still bigotry and fear.
50 to 1 bet this was written not by a homeschooler but someone who hates homeschoolers in an attempt to make fun of them. I seriously doubt this letter is real. watch the video link
I don’t understand why anyone would want to be home schooled. I received a great education at my high school (Maine Twp HS East, Park Ridge, IL). As almost an only child (well, my two siblings were 13 & 14 years older, so by the time I was 5, they were adults), school was where I went to socialize. I received facts and a variety of views and opinions, and had a great four years: Baseball, swimming, archery, and curling; acting, classes in architecture that led me to my career, languages (German, Russian, Spanish, French, Hebrew), clubs (skiing, architecture, bowling), driver’s ed., and so many other things. My public high school prepared me for university and life. I can’t imagine how sitting at the kitchen table with mommy day-after-freakin’-day would prepare me for anything except a real-life version of “Psycho.” (Officer: “Norman, would you like to tell us what happened to your mommy? And why you’re wearing her skin?”)
A great percentage of my sexual experiences revolve around the educational setting, so I too would revolt against the idea of homeschooling. That may also be the case with homeschoolers, which would explain alot…
Have a great day!
PS I have the privilege of knowing at least one homeschooler who is among the most intelligent, well read and attractive young ladies I have ever known, but she had the good common sense to not get involved with me further, lol.
Your high-school sounds amazing. I, on the other hand, had the same math course with the same teacher three years in a row, with them changing what it was on my transcript. YMMV basically – my parents are scientists. Middle-school consisted of going on roadtrips to rock outcroppings across the country to collect and learn geology, martial arts to fill out my physical education (read: get me from fat to chubby), museums nearly every week, and studying the rest in parks, the library, or home free-range on the internet. The last bit set me up to love programming and writing, which got me into college despite my teachers’ efforts, and introduced me to a healthy range of kinks, which helped net me my current partner of 3 years =P I probably learned more with them than most middle/high-schoolers get in eight years, Maine public schools not-withstanding.
Herp. I meant Illinois, apparently.
I wouldn’t mind ducks taking over! Maybe they can teach us how to fly!
I think parents should encourage children to think and express themselves (politely) and to learn to defend their views. I disagree with the letter which shows ignorance of the significant level of same sex activity and pairings and threesomes in the animal world, even amongst ducks, but I would not stop my child from submitting a letter to the paper. Learning to debate views and to find supporting evidence or changing your mind are all important lessons.
I dont think that he was advocating suppression of thought, merely and editorial rejection until certain factual and logical inconsistencies were addressed (largely to prevent embarrassment of the child and/or homeschooling parent). The level of ignorance displayed in that letter is staggering, as is the hubris of openly displaying such lack of information.
As a starting place, ducks are some of the most filthy whores in the animal kingdom and the only human population that their breeding and sexual behavior can be compared to is fraternity members. If homosexuality and perverse sexual practices will cause an animal to take over in our stead, it certainly wont be ducks.
Have a great day!
The troubling thing is that anyone who bothers to study the reproductive habits of ducks knows that they’re promiscuous, pansexual avian rapists.
Hi Mr Bear, please don’t blame homeschooling for the lack of critical thinking, please put the blame exactly where it belongs; the religious beliefs of the parents and the brainwashing of the child. As a former homeschooling parent who managed to produce a freethinking, curious and well-read son out of a child whom our NZ education system failed (there is no such thing as learning disabilities in NZ schools…too bad if you have one) I don’t like my son nor I to be coupled with with looney toons like that.
Hi Lorraine, much of this piece was intended as humour; I’m glad to hear that there are successful examples of homeschooling.
I’m with Lorraine on this one. Perhaps, regarding your account of the recommended conversation you devised above, you ought to have put a similar amount of research and thought into homeschooling before posting this letter as she should’ve put into both the sexual practices of ducks and the realities of reproduction and breeding. Preferably before you ‘sent’ the letter and exposed yourself as a “tit”. Or do such standards only apply to others? At least she had the excuse of being a kid. In the meantime, please refrain from degrading myself and my children with the application of cheap ‘stereotypes’ and I’ll teach them to not to extrapolate from an individual’s behaviour to label an entire group. Oh no, hang on. I’ve already done that.
Again, as someone who has educated children from elementary school to med school, it has been my observation that homeschooled children tend to be some of the most ignorant, small minded, biased and self righteous little shits I have ever met. This is largely due to the influence of their ‘teachers’ and the fact that these teachers (also being their parents) had the ability to parthenogenically create the child’s intellect without any leavening of outside thought. In many ways, I was also ‘home schooled’ by my grandfather and as such, I have nothing but good things to say about any parent that chooses to further strethc hteir child’s mind outside of the classroom.
But the strident tenor of your reply leads me to believe that you are not one of these, but rather in the former category of ignorant, small minded religious zealots that resent the intrusion of facts and reality into their carefully woven fantasy world.
Have a great day!
Lorraine,
As I am sure you are aware, quality of education in no small way depends on the quality of the educator (as one of many factors). garbage in, garbage out.
The problem with homeschooling is that many parents that choose to homeschool are either ignorant, religious fanatics or both. I am glad that your experience is positive and you are proud for having a free thinking, well read and curious child, but be aware that for man homeschooling parents, the desired result is the opposite.
Especially in the US.
Have a great day!
As I said earlier, homeschooling isn’t the problem, religious brainwashing is the problem. This brainwashing goes on whether a child is homeschooled or not. Especially in the US from what I am reading about the upcoming presidential election.
When I first read this, I thought it was a piss take. This can’t be taken seriously, can it? This feels rather satirically sharp
I dunno. I’m calling satire on this one. Just seems too deliberately ridiculous. (And yeah, I’m aware of Poe’s Law.)
I would like to extent and invitation to Jasmin to come to my farmlet and observe my drakes at their randiest. With one another. Quack!
I love Ducks!
Homeschool parents. That’s the type of parents that would let her send this. Coming from a homeschooling background (A fact I try to keep secret from my ultra-hip public educations system friends) I can actually say this doesn’t surprise me. This blind allegiance to the “traditional” family stems from the strong family ties and “family values” that arise from being schooled at home. I don’t have trouble picturing 14-year-old me writing a letter similar to this one. (Of course, I probably wouldn’t have been as clever as her. Mine would probably read: “Everyone who doesn’t agree with me is a dumb poopy-head!” or something just as “enlightened.”)
But I got out and survived and went to a great university and got a great degree and came out and I am a decent, fully functioning human being. And it’s partially due to my parents giving us the chance to form our own ideas and beliefs and not imposing their own forcibly on me, like I’ve seen so many homeschool parents do.
Great post!
‘ There is no greater threat to humanity than stupidity’. Scary to think that in a few short years this young lady might start breeding.
I’m sure if she does that the mechanics of how it all happened will remain a mystery to her.
Not if the ducks have any say.
The hetrosexuals will stop fucking? They are that close to being gay that making us legal & equal would send them over the line? Who knew!
I don’t oppose home schooling but this young lady is not an advertisement for it.
I agree with you. She looks likes a tit.