Last week, I was walking with a friend through the city and we noticed a guy, probably in his early 20s, sitting on the ground with his head in his hands. His cellphone was next to him, but pushed away from him, just out of reach.
We stopped for a minute to observe and discuss whether we should approach him or not. If we were to, the first question we would have asked would have been “are you ok”?
He could have been sitting there for any reason: maybe he just received some bad news, maybe he was tired, maybe he’d taken something and was a bit out of it. We were hesitant to approach a stranger who wasn’t in obvious physical danger, and after a few minutes he lifted his head and looked off down the street. We continued on our way.
Thing is, it’s far more likely that there are people close to you that have problems. And they’re not necessarily going to volunteer that information unless they get an opportunity.
That’s what RUOK Day is all about, and tonight I’m attending the second annual Vicbears event to mark the day. Last year, it was formal and I was invited over from New Zealand to speak. This year, it’s a more about encouraging connection in an informal setting where guys can discuss what’s happening for them over dinner.
I hope guys will feel comfortable enough to open up, because depression hides in plain sight.
Last night, I started chatting to a guy on Scruff as I took a tram home from dinner with a friend. My profile says I have recently moved to Melbourne, and he sent me a welcome message. I thanked him, and asked him how his week was.
“Fucking awful, but thanks for asking,” he replied.
“That’s no good,” I answered. “What’s going on?”
He said he didn’t want to burden me. This is the first line of resistance you’ll get when asking someone what’s wrong, particularly if you don’t know them.
“It’s not a burden,” I said. “We’re just chatting.”
While he didn’t go into great detail about his situation, it was enough to let me know that he had a number of stresses in different areas of his life and his foundations of strength were being eroded.
Who did he have to talk to? No family, he said, and one friend who he wasn’t sure if he could trust with really personal stuff.
“I just want to sleep for a very long time,” he said, before going on to admit that earlier in the week he had felt suicidal. Simply getting up and pushing through a normal day had to be forced, and the whole time he was beating himself up because such a simple routine felt so hard. He was quick to anger, and the urge to cry was strong.
All of this – invisible.
So many of us have felt like this, so I responded with my own experiences in this area and encouraged him to seek help, suggesting some different things he could try.
Log on to an app like Scruff and a sea of faces will greet you. On current stats, we know that one in five Australians will experience depression this year. We don’t have specific stats for gay men, but we do know from decades of research that gay men are over-represented in depression and suicide statistics the world over.
Today is the day to remember that one of those guys might be sitting right next to you. He might even be you.
Today is the day when we take steps, together, to help each other reach “ok”. And it starts with a conversation.
Your writing is moving and I am glad to ” know” you.
James beat me to it. Rather than ask if someone is OK I prefer “is there anything you need right now?”, or “is there something I can do to help you/do you need someone to talk to/do you need help?”. If someone is visibly upset they are obviously not OK, and from experience asking them whether they are OK is often a dead-end question that adds to the upset. The responses are limited and often not true to self – follow social convention and lie and say “I’m fine”, or open up to a complete stranger. I like to think if the roles were reversed the examples I’ve given would demonstrate concern and a genuine desire to help. And they are not as hard to answer.
Ke-Yana Drake – I think you’ve commented similarly on another post on this blog. (If it was you) The other comment you wrote led me to re-fathom the prevalence of the situations you described. So many people do not seem to know how to respond with empathy or compassion towards others or remain open to learning about another’s experience. Responding in a way that validates someones situation or feelings seems to be a completely foreign concept.
I can see/understand why/how it happens. However it doesn’t excuse the poor communication skills or controlling aspects/personalities and immature attachment – the inability to communicate and relate to others except on false/superficial levels. Some seem so quick to presume that someone is either whining, an emo vampire or expects them to fix their problems/care-take their emotions because they do not appear to be aware of what those things actually are and/or know any different. A toxic by-product of the positive thinking culture and hangover from previous generations who “pulled up their socks and just got on with it” etc. The confusion of self-compassion for self-pity is archaic, unenlightened and emotionally immature.
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Beautiful post. This is the second post today to remind me of the phrase, “be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
When I was super depressed I found that so many people just didn’t want to know. Even if I told them outright that things were so bad I wanted to die, they’d just make some shallow statement and get the hell out of there. Made me feel like every one was selfish and simply required me to act like them so that their day doesn’t get worse. Feeling utterly alone and unloved was the worst thing for me at that time. It was only when I stumbled on the occasional person who actually cared enough to listen or even just let me be down without wanting me to “cheer up”, that I felt remotely better. I mean, the process of recovery was a long one and I’m still managing it so it didn’t “fix” the problem, but so many times when I really needed something to stop me doing something I’d regret, someone would come along who genuinely cared and I lived another day. The impact on other can be amazing when you give just a little bit of unconditional love.
I do think it’s harder for guys, especially in NZ with that ridiculous “men don’t cry, men don’t talk about feelings” thing that’s so rampant here. I wish I could hug every single guy who has had to “suck it up” when they’re depressed and let them know that’s it’s alright.
Much as I LOVE this philosophy AND this event… couple of suggestions for everyone – Please don’t ask anyone “Are you ok?” unless you’ve genuinely got the time and the energy to listen, should they really NEED to share/unload/express whatever’s going on for them in their lives. Nothing worse than having someone ask “Are you ok?”, only to then have them be clearly making the first opportunity to get away… And also, it’s a good idea to remember – you don’t have to take on the heavy responsibility for “fixing” whatever’s going on for them. There are plenty of support and counselling services out there that can help – and make sure YOU don’t walk away from the experience in a “not ok” state! R U OK day is another example of why I love Melbourne so much!!!
Agreed. Uttering those three words is not the same as buying a poppy on ANZAC Day.